Grandpa's Goat

By the time that I came around my grandfather was in his late 60's.  His reputation definitely preceded him when it came to his temper when he was younger.  He was always quiet and so much fun when I was around that I couldn't picture it.  There were stories about him getting so aggravated that he would go out into the barn lot and yell at the pigs.  My all time favorite story about his temper is the one about his goat.

The story goes that when my grandpa was very young he used to have a small goat and cart that  would pull him around.  This goat must have gotten quite the workout.  Well, one day when they were traveling along they came upon a mud puddle.  The goat did not want to go through this puddle no matter what my grandpa did or said.  Being the calm, cool, collected child that he was he hopped down from the cart and bit that poor goat's ear almost plumb off!  I am sure that the goat moved after that, but the only thing that I heard about this little incident from the biting point forward was that grandpa had to go home and his mother actually sewed the goat's ear back on.

Anytime someone in my family says something about having a temper I always think of this story and am happy that I never quite got to the level of anger that I have bitten a goat's ear almost off!

$5 Refrigerator

Kelly called me one afternoon with a proposition.  As the Drama Director at Mead Co. High School she is tasked with locating all appropriate props for each show.  Five or six years ago her school was doing a play that required a working refrigerator as a key prop.  She called me with the exciting news that she had actually located exactly what she needed:  a 1960's era refrigerator.  She won it on Ebay and was so excited.  Her only problem was that she needed a pick up truck to go get it.

At the time we owned a pick up truck and I told her that it was no problem to run pick it up.  Even better was that it was in Nashville which is less than an hour from my house.  When I told Kelly this she responded "It is in Nashville Tnaldjhlafd".  I said "What??"  She responded "Nashville Tnalkfkjfl".  I finally figured out that her mumbling was an attempt to let me know that she meant NASHVILLE TENNESSEE! (3.5 hours from my  house)

I said something of the effect to "You mean you bought a $5 refrigerator and you have to pick it up in Nashville TN???"  Yep, I was understanding her right and it had to be picked up that day.  My sister is so crazy.  Well, I guess we are all crazy because I loaded Alexis up, drove to Mom's house where she and Kelly jumped in the truck and we all drove down to Nashville, TN to pick up the refrigerator.
We laughed and talked all the way down there. 

When we arrived the man who was selling the fridge asked us if we were going to have some men that could help us unload it as it was really heavy.  When we told him no he couldn't believe it as it took 2 grown men to load it into the back of the pick up truck.  They loaded it and we drove it back to Mead Co. where Kelly was living at the time.  We had mom take Alexis inside Kelly's place and she and I assessed the situation on how to get this elephant out of the truck.  The entire time mom was standing in the door way fidgeting saying "Girls, girls--be careful--don't hurt yourselves".  We finally told her to be quiet and shut the door.  After much discussion we got that beast out of the truck and into her place. (Some of the drama boys that played football actually had to move it later and couldn't believe that 2 girls moved it!)

The $5 Beast

The play went off without a hitch awhile later.  It really was the key piece of scenery and even if it wasn't, it sure was to us!  Best refrigerator I have ever seen in a play!  Better yet are all of the laughs that we have shared over the $5 refrigerator that we drove to Nashville for.

That is NOT where babies come from

Alexis said her first word when she was four months old.  Since she is an only child, she has always been in the middle of adult conversations.  We didn't go the route of talking baby talk to her.  She started talking and never stopped.  My mother maintained that it was "sent on me" since I never took a breath when I was growing up.  Some would agree with that and also say that it still holds true.

When Alexis started kindergarten in Salem I was so excited and nervous for her (and me).  Guess who got into trouble the first day for talking--yep, that would be Alexis.  Was this going to be an ongoing saga?  All parents have the idea that their child will go to school on the first day and sit like a perfect angel and raise their hand to be called on.  Oh, well...

 

One day Alexis was riding in the backseat as I was driving the both of us home.  She said "John (not his real name) said that if you swallow a watermelon seed that a baby will grow in your belly and that you poop it out! I told him HUH-UH, that is not where babies come from!"  I automatically broke out into a sweat and had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  "What did you say to him?"  She proudly answered, "I told him that you go to a hospital and they cut the baby out and then you take the baby home."  My automatic response was "You are exactly right!"

I am sure that we made it home safe and sound but for the life of me I can't remember anything else after her "that is where babies come from" proclamation.  My phone didn't ring with a call from an angry parent or the teacher.  Thank goodness....

"She's a pretty good shot with that thing!"

As usual, we were all down at my grandparent's farm on the other side of Livonia.  I must have been about three years old and was out playing with the water hose in the back yard.  My grandfather stepped out the back door and I nailed him right in the face with that water hose.  He turned around and walked back into the house with water dripping from the front of his Stetson hat.  Now, at this time my grandfather was somewhere around 69ish years old and was famous for his quick temper when he was young.  We must remember that it was me (the baby of the family since Kelly wasn't born yet--who never did anything wrong).  The only thing he had to say was "She's a pretty good shot with that thing!" as he wiped his face with his handkerchief.

My cousin Scott said "I bet she won't get me" and headed out the door.  He was 16 at the time and started running backward so that I couldn't hit him.  All of a sudden he turned around and ran smack into a light pole, allowing me the opportunity to completely soak him!  Everyone in the house was watching and dying laughing.  Guess they were right--I was a pretty good shot with that thing.  After almost 40 years they are still telling that story and laughing.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time in a land far far away called Salem, Indiana there lived a very very average girl named Stacy.  Ok, that is enough of that.  I made the very unfortunate decision to try out for the Salem High School play my senior year.  The play was Cinderella and I got the lead! (Don't be too impressed because it was standard procedure that a senior gets the lead.)  Looking back I have to say that it would be painfully obvious to any person that an almost 6 foot tall, brunette--extremely clumsy--Cinderella would not be the perfect choice.

The part of Cinderella that everyone remembers is where she runs off at midnight and leaves her glass slipper at the ball.  It is very difficult to find a glass slipper these days--let alone one in a size 10!  The answer to this problem was to take silver sequins and cover dance heels.  In our production of Cinderella this is how it went:

1.  The clock struck midnight.
2.  Cinderella (me) dashes off the stage.
3.  The shoes doesn't fall off my foot.
4.  I realize this very significant issue when I am already off the stage.
5.  I take the shoe off and throw the gigantic sequined missile onto the stage.
6.  I did not win any Tony awards for this performance.

After 22 years my family still laughs about that shoe sailing across the stage.  Not only were my mom and sister there but the Aunts, Uncles, my grandmother and cousins saw my theatrical masterpiece as well.  We found a copy of the video tape of my shining moment not too long ago at Diane's house.  Of course they had to put the tape in to see how funny the show was.  Diane's daughters, Liz & Allie, and my daughter, Alexis all watched.   I can honestly say that we were party to exposing an entirely new generation to the horror of Salem High School theater. 

Spoiled?

My Uncle Marvin was the first (and only) person to take me fishing.  He had to sit there while I talked incessantly and dropped the worms in the rocks when I tried to pick them up.  He was the person who took us Christmas tree hunting, mushroom hunting and let us run around his house acting like grand kids even when we were his nieces.  I guess that you could say that we were spoiled rotten.  It used to make me so mad when my family would say that because I thought spoiled meant "brat".  Now I know that "spoiled" means lucky.  The most memorable "spoiled rotten" thing that Uncle Marvin ever did for me was to bring the family and Thanksgiving to Minot, North Dakota when we lived there.

When Keith and I were first married, we lived in the tiniest apartment in Minot, North Dakota because he was stationed there in the Air Force.  Minot was 19 1/2 hours away from home and seemed like the other side of the world.  My first Thanksgiving away from home and the family looked like it was going to be terrible until my wonderful family said that they would drive and fly out to spend it in our tiny shoebox apartment. 

I think it is worth mentioning that Minot has terrible, I mean terrible, winters.  This picture is what our winters looked like:

 

YUCK.  This is the point where I get to tell you just exactly how spoiled I am.

 

Uncle Marvin and Aunt Martha drove out to Minot for Thanksgiving, in the winter during a snowstorm.  Mom, Opal & Kelly were all there too.  We all stayed in the tiny apartment.  Yup, that would be spoiled.  I am not proud of being spoiled just very happy that my family loves me enough to do things like going out of their way to be together for the holidays.  Poor Uncle Marvin, however, still says: "I don't know what I was smoking--driving to North Dakota in the snow"! 

 

 

I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful family!





 



Look What I Can Do!

 

 

You must watch the video below to fully understand the hilarity of this blog post.  This is Stuart, a character from the old TV show MadTV.

 

 

Back before the days of Alexis, I took Keith to Chicago for his birthday.  We had such a great time:  Chicago Bears game, shopping downtown, Hard Rock Cafe and general sightseeing.  It was wonderful.  For those of you that know Keith now, you will be very surprised by the following story.  For those of you that grew up with him--not so much.

When we were downtown we decided to go check out the Nike Store.  It was very neat and had lots of levels.  I was busily looking all around as most gals do when shopping.  At one point I turned around looking for my husband.  I called out to him and he answered with "Look what I can do!" and bounced into a wall.  My face instantly went red with embarrassment and I told him to come on.  To which he responded by lying down on the ground, putting his leg in the air and said "Noooooo, let me do it!" 

Can I just say that I couldn't get out of that Nike store fast enough--I have never gone back, either!  Today, I can look back and laugh and laugh at the great time that we had.  Even at Nike.

Is it OK to cheat on a game?

As I said earlier in another post, my family tree is only my mother's side.  Good thing it is HUGE and close!  When it was time for the annual Tri-Hi-Y Daddy/Daughter Date in high school, I always had lots of "dads" to choose from--Uncles, Cousins, Great Uncles--you name it.  It was awesome.  So much better an being stuck with one person and not having an option!

My favorite Daddy/Daughter Date story is the year that my Great Uncle Sam Banks went as my date.  (How cool is it that I actually had a real Uncle Sam?  No he did not wear a top hat.)  Unbeknownst to me, he was very ill at the time but he wouldn't have missed it for the world.  I got all dressed up in my Sunday best and he came and picked me up like a proper gentleman (which he was--very dapper).  We went to the event where I was the only person that he knew but that didn't stop us from having a wonderful time.

The best part of the evening was when they played a game similar to the "Newlywed Game" where the dads and daughters had to sit back to back and answer questions about one another.  Since he was my Great-Uncle and didn't live with us or anything this should have proven to be a problem.  When they started asking questions we immediately cheated our pants off!  He would lean his head back and whisper the answer to me out of the side of his mouth and I would do the same for him.  Whether we won or not escapes me--What does not escape me was the fun that we had showing them that we were contenders. 

We laughed all the way home from that Daddy/Daughter Date.  I still think that I was the luckiest one there because I had someone that wanted to be there, someone that was brave enough to cheat so that we wouldn't look foolish.  Someone that after all these many years has made me look back and smile and laugh at something that could have been a much different kind of memory.  Although he passed away several years ago I think of my Uncle Sam often.

Family Tree

My side of Alexis's Family Tree is only my mother's side.  As you can see by the information below, my mother had 2 siblings who were married and they all had children.  This tree is only accurate for when Alexis was a toddler.  The reason for this is that poor Alexis had a hard time keeping everyone straight so I also included Alexis's version of the Family Tree with people's names as she referred to them.

 

Family Tree

Phyllis

Martha (Marvin)                                Herb (Carolyn)

                                                     Diane    Phillip                       Steve  Tonya  Mark Scott

 

Alexis’s Version of the Family Tree (When little)

Mamaw Phyllis (Alexis’s Black Mamaw!)

Marsta & Grandpa                   Uncle Herb & Carolyn

                                      Aunt Diane & Uncle Phillip             Steve, Tonya, Mark, Scott

 

In Alexis's version, Mamaw Phyllis was referred to as her "Black Mamaw" and no one knows why to this day!  She was also around Diane's daughters so much as a toddler that she started referring to their grandparents (Aunt Martha & Uncle Marvin) as Marsta and Grandpa and you couldn't tell her any differently.  Consequently, Diane and her brother Phillip became Aunt Diane and Uncle Phillip.

 

Unfortunately, due to location and difference in ages, Uncle Herb's family didn't get any weird names.  For some odd reason she did refer to Uncle Herb and Aunt Carolyn as Uncle Herb and Carolyn.  No matter what I said, she wouldn't add the "Aunt" in front.  Alexis was--and still is--hilarious!

 

When kids are toddlers it is a good thing that people take what they say with a grain of salt.  If not then people would have been offended or have their feelings hurt constantly.  Poor Alexis.  It is amazing that she ever got any of the family straight.

Uncle Herb at the Ballgame

Our family is great about attending concerts, programs, plays and ball games of the various children.  One of my favorite stories is about My Uncle Herb (my mother's brother) and Aunt Carolyn attending a middle school basketball game for their granddaughter, Candice.  Candice and my sister Kelly are only one year apart in age with Kelly being the oldest. 

When Kelly and Candice were in Middle School their schools were playing against each other in basketball.  Candice was on the team and Kelly was going to attend their game to watch one of her friends play against Candice's team.  As anyone who has a child in Middle School knows, they are often very embarrassed by family--even if the family member just smiles and waves.

Uncle Herb and Aunt Carolyn were in the stands ready to root for their granddaughter when Uncle Herb spotted Kelly.  He smiled and waved and said Hi.  Kelly acted like she didn't see him.  It was at this point that Uncle Herb flipped the front partial plate that he has part way out of his mouth, crossed his eyes, and yelled in his best hill billy accent "Hi! Kelly!"  My sister's friends asked her who the guy was that was yelling at her.  In typical Kelly deadpan fashion she answered "I have no idea" and didn't even turn around.

I love my family!

The Day the Gypsies Tried to Take Us

My sister Kelly and I are 4 1/2 years apart in age, with me being the oldest.  Poor Kelly often got "mistreated" by me if you ever listened to the comments our mother made when the two of us were grown and telling some of the stories about our "adventures".  I refuse to believe this but will let you all judge for yourselves throughout this blog.  There will be several stories about our "formative" years so enjoy :)

As a child I was always afraid that someone was going to come to our house and steal us if we were alone or if I was babysitting.  It was nothing for me to hit the ground and army crawl to the window if the neighbor kids knocked on the door and wanted to play.  You never knew where there would be a band of roving gypsies looking for a pudgy girl with a pixie cut and a cutie patootie red headed doll!  I mean who wouldn't want the pair of us?  Kelly, definitely--but I was the pudgy pixie haired girl and I don't think that I would have sold at a K-Mart Blue Light Special!

Anyway, one day I was babysitting for Kelly and as was customary I was submitting her to hair styling torture.  I fancied myself as the next Vidal Sassoon.  Kelly was my hair model.  Poor thing would stand until she couldn't stand any more as I put long "boing-boing" curls in her waist length hair.  When she got too tired do you think I quit????  NO.  I made her sit on the toilet backwards--that is definitely what any great hairdresser would do.  We were in the middle of a hair session when someone banged on the front door.  I dropped the curling iron, dropped to the ground and told her to "HIDE"!  Making my way slowly down the hall (army crawling all the way) I looked for danger.  When I finally got to the door there was no one there.  Gypsies must not be very patient.  I headed back to the bathroom to continue our hair torture styling session.  Kelly was gone.  Not behind the shower curtain or the door--not across the hall in her bedroom--I was starting to freak out.  How did someone get in to steal her while I was stealthily crawling the hall????  I started yelling for her.  All of a sudden I saw the top of the little clothes hamper start to pop open and a tiny red head slicked with sweat poked out.  Poor Kelly had hidden in there so that she would be safe and almost sweat to death.  It is amazing that either of us turned out reasonably sane.  It is also amazing that Kelly didn't start shaving her head as soon as she had the chance. 

For those of you that are wondering:
1.  We were never stolen by gypsies. (Must have been my ninja like reflexes.)
2.  I am not the next Vidal Sassoon (I even have short hair.)
3.  Kelly and I ARE still on speaking terms.

Aunt Martha & Uncle Marvin Get a Fancy Car

Back in the late 1980's my Aunt Martha & Uncle Marvin got the coolest car.  It looked like a "Rich Person's" car (or at least in my teenage mind it did).  They bought a used Lincoln Town car.  I thought that this was about the neatest thing ever.  It was black and shiny just like a limo.

No joke--this thing was like the Space Shuttle.  Everything was electric: seats, windows, side mirrors AND it even had this new-fangled key less entry thing.  That was like a super cool, super spy type device.  Even though it was electric and supposed to make things easier, it didn't bank on being owned by my family.

Not too long after getting the Town car, Aunt Martha and my mom went shopping.  They decided to take the new car to go all the way to Clarksville, IN.  Back then, it was a trip that happened after the ladies had worked all day and there was no interstate super speedy driving.  They went to the mall one day and per the norm were talking and laughing all the way.  At one point Aunt Martha was showing my mom all of the buttons and my mom said "I don't know what you can see out of your side mirror, but all I see is sky!"

When the were finished shopping and came back out to the car, Aunt Martha was ready to show my mom what the new car could do.  She said "Watch this" and proceeded to hit the same button on the door where the key less entry was, saying "4-7-1-6-7, 4-7-1-6-7".  She didn't realize that there were separate numbers on the keypad for each number and continued to poke it somewhere around the middle!  Needless to say, that doesn't open the door very quickly.

This particular shopping trip has been the source of many retelling and much laughter.

 

(This is not the actual car, but this is how it looked--cool, huh?)

The Day the Stork Brought Alexis

The day that the stork brought Alexis was not one of those days that would be on a Lifetime Baby Special.  It started out with me being in Louisville with Mom, Diane, Liz & Allie.  I had to go to Clark Memorial Hospital the day before Alexis was actually born due to a small problem, so I decided just to stay at Diane's in case there were any more problems that night.  Everything went swimmingly so we went to Don Pablo's the next day for lunch and then to look at a new van for Diane.

While we were at the dealership I started having pain so we hurried up and went over to Clark Memorial again.  They decided that we should do an "Emergency C-Section" which on Derby Day in Kentuckiana means 8.5 hours later.  That gave us enough time for us to call Keith and have him speed down with my manicure briefcase in hand.  For some irrational reason, I kept saying "I am not going to give birth with a bad pedicure!"  God love my poor mother because she sat there and painted my toenails while I had a baby monitor strapped to my stomach.  That is quite possibly one of the funniest pictures ever.

Well, after many hours of waiting for my OB to get to the hospital and get me ready for the C-Section it was time.  By this time, Keith's mother had joined the growing crowd of family.  Aunt Martha & Uncle Marvin were there at some point during the upcoming fracas. I use that word because it truly was a wild & disorderly situation.

Alexis was born 5.5 weeks premature and because of this her lungs were not developed.  She was not breathing when she was born and had to be bagged 3 times that night.  After working with her for hours they finally got her stabilized enough to go across the river to Louisville to the NICU at Norton's.  She caused quite the scene!  My Uncle Herb and Aunt Carolyn drove all the way down to Jeffersonville at midnight to be with everyone.  So--Let's recap on who all we have at the birth: Keith, My Mother, Diane, Uncle Marvin, Aunt Martha, Uncle Herb, Aunt Carolyn and I am sure there are others that I am forgetting. 

Most average families have the grandparents at the hospital and that is it--not the Closest Family I Know!  If it hadn't been such a terrible/wonderful night, we could have had a party!  Having that much family during such a trying time is amazing.

Our Little SuperStar Today!

Thinking Up Ways to Kill Tonya....

Anytime that the entire family gets together they love to tell stories about all of the goofy things that they/we have done over the decades.  One of my favorite topics that they have to laugh about was when all of the older cousins were growing up and they tried to "Think of ways to kill Tonya" who happened to be somewhat of a stool pigeon.

I think that it is worth noting that the people involved in these plots were my mother, her niece (Tonya--ignorant of said plots), her nephews--Steve, Scott, Phillip and her other niece--Diane.  It is also a point of interest that the reason my mother was running with the kids is that she was a kid herself.  My grandparents had my Uncle Herb and then 5 years later had my Aunt Martha.  After having surgery and being told she would never have any more children she had my mother 15 years later!  My mom grew up with her nieces and nephews and I think this is one of the reasons that our entire family is so close.

At any rate, one of the things that all of the kids would do was to build "Tarzan Swings" in the barn loft.  Any time that there was one that needed to be tested so that they knew it was safe, you guessed it, Tonya was the guinea pig.  On a good day Tonya survived and they knew that it was safe to use the swings.

One time Tonya had been particularly "helpful" to the others the decided to pull her around the house on her back.  Unfortunately, her shirt pulled up and she ended up with a lovely carpet burn on her back in the process.  Of course, when they realized that Tonya was hurt, they hurried to her aid so that she would be OK.  (Actually, they were VERY worried about themselves and getting in big trouble!)  My mother always said that she went straight for the bottle of alcohol because that is what her mother put on injuries.  She had Tonya bend over and she put some alcohol on her back.  To hear them recount the story: Tonya didn't even straighten up.  She stayed bent over and shot out of the room screaming like a banshee! 

Suffice it to say: no one in my family became a doctor.  I don't know if the above story was the reason or not but it definitely put the fear of God into them!  Oh, and they did get into trouble.

25 Family Members in a Beach House?

Yes, that is right--25 people who are related staying in a beach house for a week!  Litchfield Beach, South Carolina should never have been the same after that first summer.  They must see a lot of different things because they allowed us back in the state (and the same beach house) for many more years.

We had: my grandmother, my mother, her sister and brother and their spouses, their 5 children & spouses, their 10 children (combined), my sister & lastly--ME.  Most sane people would cringe at such a thought but then again, my family is the closest family that I know.  We just divided up the 5 bedrooms and couches, threw several air mattresses on the floor and we were set!

Everyday the entire family (well, minus anyone who was sick) would go down to the beach and walk/play/lay out (gasp!) until it was time to go back for a huge country breakfast.  I mean HUGE.  We would have eggs, toast, turnovers/biscuits, sausage & bacon--the works.  One year my mother pointed at my grown boy cousins and told them that we weren't going to even have any bacon because every time that she took some off the stove, they ate it.  There were always 3-4 adult females cooking at these meals.

There was always at least one night that we loaded everyone up into multiple cars and drove to some poor unsuspecting restaurant.  Can you imagine seeing a party of 25 piling into your establishment???
We were a well behaved, albeit loud group.  I am sure that anyone who sat near enough to us to try to listen was wondering "How do they all talk at the same time and simultaneously carry on 10 conversations?"  That is a question that even after 17 years of marriage, my husband still asks.

This closeness has served us well over the years--Through graduations, birthdays, heartaches, medical issues, weddings, holidays, graduations and even through deaths.  Yes, we are very close and it is a blessing!